Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Slow still at work.
I am not complaining.
Julie, I tried calling to volunteer to help you/your not-quite-boyfriend/whomever else out with pro-bono projects, at least once I get admitted to the bar.
Which, hopefully, will be sometime in Jan/Feb.
Practiced both the piano and the guitar yesterday.
I am not profound.
Not even funny like Schad's conversations.
Did talk to J.B. yesterday. For the first time in 4 years. He's in Las Vegas, out of the marines, and working his way up to being a bodyguard.
He said he had an offer to work in Tehran, or Kabul... Kabul, I think. For $1k a day.
It reminded me of the time another friend told me that she was going to start working for an Amway clone, and she would drive me around in her jaguar the next summer.
I'm still waiting for that ride. Of course, in the meantime, her mom discovered a barrel full of gay porn in their attic. Her father denied it. They divorced soon after.
A barrel. An honest to god barrel. I'm not sure if that's symbolic. There's more to this story, but I'm not sure which parts are relevant, and which are interesting purely for gossip reasons.
See, I need better stories. Like the time Eric and I visited this girl J was dating in Bay City.
We practically had to break into the house, since she wasn't answering the door (J had a history of dating really, really shady girls, so neither the non-response nor the response on our part were unusual).
Turns out she's in the bath. For context's sake, Eric and I are all of 15 at this point; J is 16, so he could drive the brown '85 volvo manual. The same car he got a ticket for squealing out in a parking lot. I digress.
It was weird that she was in the bath; weirder still that J opened the door and went right into the bathroom with her - there were the inklings of interactions like that not being altogether common at that point in our lives; nakedness with the opposite sex was fleeting and stolen, not just random and open in the middle of the day.
Eric and I exchanged looks, and we both probably thought twice about sneaking a look. But, we didn't. We decided to explore the house instead.
There wasn't much to look at on the ground floor, but it smelled awful. The whole house was just unsettling.
I'd been in horrible houses before. The worst was once when my mother took over boxes of food to a family we knew from church. The woman was emotionally unstable, her husband was worse, and their kid had severe mental retardation. It was more of the spastic, rather than comatose variety. Their home was filled, packed with junk. You couldn't move - there were literally tunnels through the dining room, and the dishes and floor of the kitchen had not been washed in years. Maggots on the floor, radials of food spilled in different years just ignored. It was incredible.
The Bay City girl's house was the opposite; it was practically bare. It was like they'd swept a crack house clean. Not to mention that it was a terrible neigborhood to begin with. However, I wasn't worried; J could take care of himself, and Eric was always a big guy (he clocks in at 6' 5" now).
We looked around the downstairs, and then decided to head up the stairway that bisected the house. The smell grew stronger as we ascended, and we soon found out why.
The stairs opened up onto a flat floor, with the railings from the stairway heading up with us, then squaring around us to enclose the stairway opening.
Our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, and then we realized that the floor was littered. Covered in pet feces. Droppings. Crap. Shit. Covered.
It looked like a small yard sometimes filled with pets does after the snow melts away.
It was a new low in girls J had dated; or at least as far as we knew. And this was a house that J, with us reluctantly tagging along, had essentially himself into.
That seemed to be a trend; I'd spent much of my time lurking around "girls who were kind of dating J"'s homes when I spent time with him.
One thought she was brilliant; J felt compelled to visit her bedroom window where I'm fairly sure she threw something at him before recognizing him. She let us in, and I spent my time listening to her trying to impress J while rearranging the plastic alphabet letters on her refrigerator. I wish I remembered her name... now that I'm talking to J, I'll have to get some of the names from him.
Another time, J started "dating" this girl who lived far out in the country. He asked me to come and drop off a Christmas gift. I thought it was a touch premature, since they'd only had one date, but it wasn't suprising; this was J's normal M.O.
No one was home, so we end up casing this house as well. Her father must've been a hunter; the house was all glass and logs, and the central motif was dead animal. I remember a glass table with some kind of bones in the middle of it; I was staring through their den window, thinking how dangerous it was to be out here in the middle of nowhere, with J liable to try forcing his way in.
This is the same kid who used to look for keys under the doormats of homes that were put up for sale.
Security.
Nice.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

I'm alone. Or at least I prefer to think of it that way, as I face 11:54 tonight. Two long conversations at work today, during my first real slow period since I've started at the law firm. I realize just how closed down I've become. I hesitate to say "numb" because I think that's overused. Apathetic doesn't fit either; I still get nervous, but it is over little things. I know I can't affect the big ones.

Inarticulate. Not that that's within the same spectrum as numb, "closed down" or apathetic. Perhaps I'm just not making the same effort to be, or at least to seem intelligent. I used to try. At least Julie can be raw. Jenny can be raw. Even BJ can show through, and Schad and Ashley can't help but.

The past couple of days, the rain has set a pattern,
drumming, reminding.
I used to dream of a new car, jazz and a steady rainstorm.
A gray, misty city, lights lifting.
Clean console, dust free,
Poles pass, past
like the time we left for D.C.
not memory. far too perfect
I was so excited
now most of the windows stare blankly
shades drawn, lights out
too much time is slipping
I didn't anticipate that
but I should've

Everything has settled. It was a rough Monday - there's so much that only I know. It's simple, now, like the eye of a hurricane. I'd love to set someone down inside in this moment and watch the wind pick up. I want to see. I want to see them walk straight through.

Sunday, December 08, 2002

Trying, desperately, to get the links up on this page. For my devoted readers, of course.
So, this weekend's movie choices (post work party) were:
Joe Somebody (well, I'd seen the commercials)
The Godfather, courtesy of the box set Mark purchased for my birthday
Panic Room
Mr. Deeds

I also watched some episodes of the Simpsons. And cleaned my room.
No work.
Some reading.
No piano (yet)
No writing.
I need to start writing again.

Oh, I did visit the Brooklyn Museum with Adam and Rina - it's free once a month on Saturday night, so that was fun to go and check out - however, I had to make it home from Brooklyn at 1:15 am, so I didn't make it back here until well into the 2 am hour.
That's it. That's how wonderfully exciting everything is. Oral arguments for the bringing a motion seminar tomorrow, and then that's finally over.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Congrats to Jenny! I salute you on your gibson decision. It is a good one. You will really enjoy it.
My tech allowance for December was just spent (not very far into December as well) on a digital camera. The Canon Digital Elph, for $318 shipped.
Money I shouldn't spend, I suppose... but that's the whole point of having a technology allowance for onseself, isn't it?
I may have to go into the office on Sunday. Or at least phone into a conference call. Which wouldn't be so bad. The firm is letting me do a little client development, and I've got one of the plum assignments in all of the 1st year class, and I didn't summer there, so I cannot complain one bit. Even if we have that ridiculous bringing a motion seminar to finish up tomorrow.

I am so sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say. I'm going to check out the "Sims" games for Jenny to see what she would like - I think she'll appreciate it, since she lost all her neopoints.

That's it! That's all! The Tin Drum is going slowly. Slowly, per subway ride. But, holiday party tomorrow night. Should be a lot of fun.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

So.
So so so.
I am inconsistent.
Not that there aren't good reasons for that.
I have become quite possessive of my free hours.
Hoarding them.
Doling them out to my disseparate hobbies.
One hour, two hour... like Bono - except not.
You know, the dollars.
Reading "The Tin Drum" right now. It's not really a, "I'm really into this book" book.
However, I thought that about Of Human Bondage, and I ended up getting into it, so perhaps I shouldn't speak at the 175 page mark.
But, I'm relatively certain.
Work is fine. Things are settling down, and that stupid bring a motion workshop will be over this Friday.
Lesson Learned (AGAIN) = fake work = real work = judged like real work = real stress.
All the Big Case people were just excited do be doing something other than doc review, and I was just irritated because it was keeping me from my actual work.
Gym was fun. Hopefully I'm back in my stride with that.
Jenny - do I get a raincheck on the Ben Folds concert now? Or is the ticket promised to another?
Hmm....
Justin has finally moved out of Berkley's room, I think.
Kudos to him and his newly Harlem-centered apartment.
I'm sure Julie is in an especial hurry to visit him.
You know, Julie - in your "hot girl" way.
Did I quote that correctly?
The bear disguised poorly as a subway is wonderful, but keeps staring at me.
Accusatory-like.
Eyes buring, boring into me
not boring boring, but boring.
A judge got in trouble for writing his dissent in verse - Pennsylvania court. I could give specifics, but I'm too lazy.
My officemate Sibuhan is angry with me again. She said I, "Talked too loud on the phone" and "was rustling papers too loudly" when I was filing things on our bookshelf.
I suppose the wheel has turned again.
I won't even go into why the comments are incredibly ironic - just take my word for it.

Thank you all for your "addresses" yesterday. I meant, of course, your respective blog addresses - but I appreciate the humor.
I probably should've saved the addresses, just so I know them.
Oh, and visit Mark Harden's Artchive
It's seriously one of my favorite sites on the internet. I go there and download all sorts of things.
I'm going to get "Ancient Sound" by Paul Klee made into a poster one of these days.
Just you wait.

I should write some tonight. Either an hour writing, or an hour practicing. Or a half-hour of each.
But it will be done. Maybe my story will have more of people that sound exactly like me talking to each other.
What I need to do is just have my narrator (who is me, but not really) talk more. Maybe that's the only way through it.
It'll be Trevanian-like.

ENOUGH!

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

I forgot Joel's Blog? JOEL'S? I even mentioned him for the x-mas story - but I guess that was later. JOEL'S??? Man, oh man.
Yes, I've been very lax in updating.
Here's the deal: Gene came over and put in my new hard drive; however, we had to slave the old one to the new one, which effectively wiped out most of what I had as "settings" on a lot of the programs.
Including Internet Explorer.
Then, I was gone for Thanksgiving anyway - which was a wonderful break, I might add.
Schad, I no longer have your address. Julie, same goes for you. Jenny, Ashley, BJ... the list could go on, but then I would be making up names, and what good would that do?
I need to write again.
Oh, and I was going to learn Clair de Lune over Thanksgiving break.
Guess what didn't happen.
My only spear of bitterness is that little "mock" assignment at HHR - fuckers.
Oh, well. It'll be over on Friday. Just in time for the x-mas party. Woo hoo!
Then, a long couple of weeks before Christmas break and getting to see my family.

Schad - c'mon up to Sagtown to say hello. You're officially invited. You can play Trivial Pursuit with my brother. I mean, for god's sake, Joel's been up the past two years. Surely you can make it.

Can't think of anything more to write at this moment. Please, please IM me with the respective addresses. I'll leave my IM open for any people who wish to contribute.

Thanks -

Thursday, November 21, 2002

I passed the bar exam! I am happy about that. It's kind of a letdown... but I passed! Just really tired now.